Monthly Archives: November 2013

Little steps

I’ve just noticed that I ended the last couple of posts with the word “hopeless”…. so I guess I’m not really being that nice to myself. It’s not all that bad when I give myself a chance. I AM still writing, but not as much and not as well as I would like to. I am currently keeping a really little writing book and a pen next to my bed because I had an idea for a book during a dream a few days ago. So I wrote the outline of the first few chapters into that little notebook. The following night I had another dream, which helped me to write an outline for a couple more chapters and just last night, another dream put the book into a different direction – very interesting actually. I will only have to turn the outline into a proper book someday.

But isn’t just that “someday” the problem? The ideas and stories are all in my head but I never seem to find the time and peace of mind to actually focus enough of writing the actual books. I wish I could have a strong enough mind to actually win against myself and just MAKE the time – but these days… weeks… no, months, I always try to drown my feelings in keeping myself as busy as possible. And thus also keeping me away from what I love so much: writing, exploring other worlds and dimensions that somehow seem to talk to me and reach out to me.

Let’s see what the next few nights will bring – maybe the dreams will bring an answer to me. The dream last night had Lucy Lawless in it. She often seems to appear as some sort of wise guide – I guess in real life she wouldn’t talk the same way but I guess I’ll never find out. She’s living not too far away (well, we kind of live in the same part of New Zealand), but someone like her would never talk to someone like me – and it’s very, very unlikely that our paths will ever cross! But at least she, for some reason, takes on the role of a guide in dreams every now and then. And her messages are always quite good. If I manage to finish that book, I should dedicate it to her!

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Filed under About writing

Tired

These days, I always feel tired – it partially has to do with the fact that I always have to get up at 6am or even a bit earlier because I’m the only person willing to look after the chickens. I haven’t slept in (even if it would only be 8am!) for at least a year. Not once. But the main reason for me feeling so tired is a lack of happiness in my life. I know that I need to move on, which means moving away from there – but this is hard because I know that the poor animals on the farm will have a worse life once I’m gone. Many of the chickens will simply be eaten and this the main reason I stay.

I am also still waiting for news from immigration. A month ago they sent me a letter telling me that they would finally (after one YEAR) get someone to look at my appeal against my deportation. It took them one year to even tell me that someone will soon look at it. But what do they mean by soon? Every day I fear and hope that there will be a letter in the mail box. On one hand I hope that they will tell me there’s no chance for me and I have to leave the country within a month – but I also fear this because I am so sick of having to look for new homes all the time. I would so much just settle down and have my own home, a place to live in, a place to which I can retreat, a safe place.

I also wish I had someone to talk to – just someone who actually cares and who’d understand where I’m coming from and what I’m going through. Someone who also shares some interests with me and isn’t a shallow person. But at the moment I am simply not able to find someone like that because I live in the middle of nowhere. Maybe I should look for an email friendship – but then I would feel bad if I couldn’t reply every day – you saw how well it worked for me to write a blog every morning 😦 Hopeless!

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Filed under Random thoughts