These days, I always feel tired – it partially has to do with the fact that I always have to get up at 6am or even a bit earlier because I’m the only person willing to look after the chickens. I haven’t slept in (even if it would only be 8am!) for at least a year. Not once. But the main reason for me feeling so tired is a lack of happiness in my life. I know that I need to move on, which means moving away from there – but this is hard because I know that the poor animals on the farm will have a worse life once I’m gone. Many of the chickens will simply be eaten and this the main reason I stay.
I am also still waiting for news from immigration. A month ago they sent me a letter telling me that they would finally (after one YEAR) get someone to look at my appeal against my deportation. It took them one year to even tell me that someone will soon look at it. But what do they mean by soon? Every day I fear and hope that there will be a letter in the mail box. On one hand I hope that they will tell me there’s no chance for me and I have to leave the country within a month – but I also fear this because I am so sick of having to look for new homes all the time. I would so much just settle down and have my own home, a place to live in, a place to which I can retreat, a safe place.
I also wish I had someone to talk to – just someone who actually cares and who’d understand where I’m coming from and what I’m going through. Someone who also shares some interests with me and isn’t a shallow person. But at the moment I am simply not able to find someone like that because I live in the middle of nowhere. Maybe I should look for an email friendship – but then I would feel bad if I couldn’t reply every day – you saw how well it worked for me to write a blog every morning 😦 Hopeless!