As some of you know, I have a few books that need to be written. Some already have quite a lot of content, others are just ideas in my head. But so far, I have not finished a single one. I keep myself busy by writing and translating for other people. My excuse is that I will otherwise have no money. It’s kind of a fact – but is it also something to keep myself from really trying? Do I manipulate myself?
I know all the theories about what it means to be a professional: you turn up no matter what. I do not turn up for my novels. I keep them hanging. I keep myself hanging. This has to change. I have more and more ideas about how to connect the different events in my fantasy book that I wanted to write since I was 16 – and that was 15 years ago.
I thought about waiting until I move to England or Wales before I start being serious about writing – after all, the move has to be planned, things have to be sold, more money has to be earned because plane tickets are expensive… and so on and so on. But aren’t that just more excuses?
Am I scared of writing down the stories in my head? Scared of them not being read by anyone? Why can I write for others but not for myself and my characters?
Now that I know that I have to leave the country, I will have to make up my mind about which country to move to, which country to try and settle in or to temporarily live in. I should be working on some of my freelance jobs right now, deadlines are approaching fast – but my mind is full of thoughts and there is nobody to talk to.
I always thought that Scotland might be a nice and beautiful place to move to. But would I be able to afford living there?
Or England – that would even be more expensive. Of course, I would start with staying in a cheap hostel and then move on to a place via wwoofing or helpx (you work in exchange for accommodation and food or just accommodation for less hours). This would then give me some time to find an affordable flat, with or without flatmates. I would have to do some more research about how much living in the UK would cost me.
I also thought about Canada – but it would most likely be harder to get a permanent visa there. As I do have a European passport, the UK would be less of a problem.
I also thought about Greece as I’ve been there before and just loved it. But there would be the language barrier and I am not sure about how safe living in that country would be right now.
Asian countries were also on my list, but then the language barrier would be even bigger and Japan would be a country I simply could not afford – and how would I get a permanent visa there? It’s very unlikely.
It would all be better if there was someone I could talk to about all my thoughts, but there is nobody. I just have to rely on myself to make the right decisions. And I have to rely on my freelance work to never run out, so I better get back to work to earn more money. I’ll need it for the plane ticket and for surviving the first few weeks in another country.
I wish I did not have to leave. Sometimes I think about giving up, but then my dream of finishing my book will never come true.