When I wrote my post this morning, I felt energized and positive. Now I feel like I had enough of the world, I would like to leave the place I’m currently staying at – but don’t have enough money on my bank account to do so. It feels really bad to be limited this way – and to also feel so torn about what to do.
A short summary about where I am: This is an organic gardening company, planting, packing and selling organic produce. I work here as a so-called WWOOFer, i.e. I work in exchange for accommodation (in a caravan) and food. In my current situation, I simply don’t have any other choice but to live this way. I have no home, have been kicked out of the country I love, and don’t earn enough money with writing that I could actually rent a place of my own.
The problem: In the first three weeks, this place seemed really nice. I made friends with the chickens (I love animals very much, unlike people they don’t lie to you, they don’t betray you, and don’t mind being loved). Unfortunately, this place is really bad when it comes to handling the chickens properly, i.e. they manage to get out of their area. Two of them haven’t lived in their coop since before I arrived there – and nobody cares to change a thing so everything would be alright. I actually enjoyed the company of those two. They provided me with company. They brought me happiness. And they made my stay here enjoyable. They helped me to bear with the things I don’t like about this place.
Tomorrow they will be dead. And I can do nothing about it.
They way this is handled is horrible. I don’t want to be here any more – but I have nowhere to go until the beginning of June. I already tried to contact other places, but it seems impossible to find something at such a short notice.
I know I should try to be positive and hopeful. Try to see something good in the bad, but I can’t. Sometimes you just can’t. And there’s not a single soul around I could talk to about this. I’m just a cheap worker here. That’s all.
It is Sunday morning, and my attempt of sleeping in ended at about 6.25 am (I usually get up at 6 am on work days). I felt quite refreshed and thought it would be later, so I was surprised to find out it was still so early. I then had my breakfast and a cup of coffee, replied to a few messages and now I am here to write the first proper “morning hours” post in what seems like ages.
I woke up from a dream that was a mix of nightmare and hopeful dreaming. The dream was about leaving New Zealand. It started in a house I’ve never seen before and I packed my few belongings. I felt incredibly sad in that part of the dream, but also angry and frustrated. The dream moved on to a rather odd airport that had heaps of escalators. I remember it from dreams I had before, this place sometimes turned up in the past few years. But this time one of the escalators led to some sort of airport supermarket that also had fresh fruit and vegetables. I was travelling with other people – the company of dwarves from the Hobbit amongst a few others. We went through the supermarket, but when we left, I went back the escalators again because I wanted to get something to read. Thorin Oakenshield then quickly told the others he had forgotten something and followed me. He found me in one of the aisles of the supermarket that was suddenly completely abandoned – there was no noise, no other people, nothing. He came close to me and started singing the song of the lonely mountain into my ear. Then I slowly woke up, the words of the song fading.
The dream left me feeling a bit sad, but also encouraged. That particular song (both versions of it) means a lot to me – I guess because it also talks of people who have lost their home and want to reclaim it. I never heard it in one of my dreams before though. I also did not remember many of my dreams in the past few weeks. I usually am more aware of my dreams when I work on my own things – so maybe this dream is a really good sign.
I have not written anything here for a long time. The last weeks have been incredibly busy, and emotionally and mentally very tiring. It’s not even morning now, but after 10 pm at night here in Scotland. I would usually be in bed at this time because I tend to get up very early. Today apparently is a little different. It was a very difficult day at work, and at the end of a work day of almost 10 hours, I felt completely drained. I went to my caravan (where I work and live for the next few weeks might be a topic for another blog post), and just wanted to sleep. But then I lay in my bed, thinking, just feeling tired – and empty.
Then somebody else knocked at my door because he had a problem and for some reason thought I would be able to help. I don’t know why but I always seem to be the kind of person people ask for help. Anyway, my chance of falling asleep from being mentally drained were gone and I spent some time on Facebook. I wanted to update my status, but I just starred at the blank space for minutes. I did not know what to write. Then I simply wrote the truth: that my mind was so full with thoughts, and yet so empty.
A few minutes later, I wrote a longer status update about writing – a truly honest one which most of my Facebook friends (of which I know 90% from real life) will either not read or not care about. That’s just the nature of Facebook – but what does it matter. What mattered was that I wrote about what was truly on my mind. This is what I wrote:
“Maybe I should start writing my morning hours blog again – because I need to become more motivated again. You know, I know all about the tips and advice for writers – I’ve written about it often enough. I’ve read many books about. And it is quite simple. You either do it, or you don’t. Like many other things in life. The only thing that stands between me and writing is me. And myself is one of the very few things I can actually change in the world.
There is nothing I can do about not being in New Zealand anymore. I’ve lost that fight and the whole story cost me a lot of energy. I miss my pigeon family (Lucy and her two kids), and my chicken babies. But what can I do about it? Nothing.
There is nothing (realistic) that I can do about certain other aspects of my life. Some things you just have to endure.
But I can write. I only have to kick my own ass, and do it!”
And even though it is nighttime now, I thought I better start with it right away. There are no excuses not to write. And maybe writing again will make me feel better. I know that I will feel better – so why did I wait so long to start again?
Writing will also be some sort of communication for me. I do have people around me. I work with quite a few people. And a couple of them are really interesting, and I could imagine having them as friends – but that will not happen for various reasons (that would also be part of a blog about where I am currently living). There is nobody around here who would truly listen to me – apart from the chickens, they are great listeners but not very helpful with their comments. On this blog, I can just be myself, be honest. And online friends are better than no friends at all!