I have not written anything here for a long time. The last weeks have been incredibly busy, and emotionally and mentally very tiring. It’s not even morning now, but after 10 pm at night here in Scotland. I would usually be in bed at this time because I tend to get up very early. Today apparently is a little different. It was a very difficult day at work, and at the end of a work day of almost 10 hours, I felt completely drained. I went to my caravan (where I work and live for the next few weeks might be a topic for another blog post), and just wanted to sleep. But then I lay in my bed, thinking, just feeling tired – and empty.
Then somebody else knocked at my door because he had a problem and for some reason thought I would be able to help. I don’t know why but I always seem to be the kind of person people ask for help. Anyway, my chance of falling asleep from being mentally drained were gone and I spent some time on Facebook. I wanted to update my status, but I just starred at the blank space for minutes. I did not know what to write. Then I simply wrote the truth: that my mind was so full with thoughts, and yet so empty.
A few minutes later, I wrote a longer status update about writing – a truly honest one which most of my Facebook friends (of which I know 90% from real life) will either not read or not care about. That’s just the nature of Facebook – but what does it matter. What mattered was that I wrote about what was truly on my mind. This is what I wrote:
“Maybe I should start writing my morning hours blog again – because I need to become more motivated again. You know, I know all about the tips and advice for writers – I’ve written about it often enough. I’ve read many books about. And it is quite simple. You either do it, or you don’t. Like many other things in life. The only thing that stands between me and writing is me. And myself is one of the very few things I can actually change in the world.
There is nothing I can do about not being in New Zealand anymore. I’ve lost that fight and the whole story cost me a lot of energy. I miss my pigeon family (Lucy and her two kids), and my chicken babies. But what can I do about it? Nothing.
There is nothing (realistic) that I can do about certain other aspects of my life. Some things you just have to endure.
But I can write. I only have to kick my own ass, and do it!”
And even though it is nighttime now, I thought I better start with it right away. There are no excuses not to write. And maybe writing again will make me feel better. I know that I will feel better – so why did I wait so long to start again?
Writing will also be some sort of communication for me. I do have people around me. I work with quite a few people. And a couple of them are really interesting, and I could imagine having them as friends – but that will not happen for various reasons (that would also be part of a blog about where I am currently living). There is nobody around here who would truly listen to me – apart from the chickens, they are great listeners but not very helpful with their comments. On this blog, I can just be myself, be honest. And online friends are better than no friends at all!