Monthly Archives: May 2014

The law of attraction and all the nice theories about life

It’s Saturday morning, it’s raining (again), and I told myself not to do any work today even though I have some articles I need to write piled up in my inbox. They can wait until tomorrow.

Books that help you

Last night, I had a bit of a low because I was at the point where some thoughts simply did not want to be ignored any longer. I wanted to find a book like The Artist’s Way, the sort of book that actually “communicates” with you, by asking you questions and giving you space to answer them, too. So I was browsing Amazon on my Kindle, but then got so sick about the dozens, or hundreds, of books about the law of attraction. It seems like the only people who profit from these books are the publishers and authors themselves. I downloaded a few sample chapters, but unfortunately Kindle samples never go far beyond the endless introductions. And each of them was the same: “I had no success, I read other books, then I had an idea, now I am all happy, here is the book to help you.” None of the books “spoke” to me. They all seemed more like “me, me, me, and look what I did” stories.

Maybe I will just go back to the Artist’s way, work through that and then also work through the two “sequels”, even though I started one of them once and did not find it as good as the original Artist’s Way. Maybe some of you know good books that are similar?

The same “old” problem

What I mainly want to achieve is to simply accept the fact that friendship is something out of reach for me. I would like to completely just give up on the “need” to talk to people about things that matter to me, to want friends. I can do Law of Attraction things as much as I want. It currently just is not possible. People here only see me as a temporary volunteer worker. After work, they are gone, and I am still here, surrounded by people who usually only stay two weeks. People who return to their friends and family after being abroad for a while. People for whom I am never more than just a gap filler.

I don’t even know yet where I will be in a couple of months. My life situation is quite stressful to me. Simply because I don’t have a regular income, I can’t afford renting my own space. That’s why I currently have to rely on finding placements with places via helpx or wwoof. I actually like the place I currently am staying at and working for – but it is all so temporary. So I would like to find a good book, something that helps me to focus on other areas, something to some sort of substitute for a true friend.

Yesterday I just felt so incredibly “lost”. I truly wish there was someone who would turn into a friend – there are some people I really like – but for them, I am not more than just a worker. I could go on and on with making “wish lists”, thinking that the law of attraction might help – but it doesn’t.

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Improvements in Scotland

After a few weeks during which I was not sure about whether it been had a good idea to come to this place and during which there were problems with other people (and of course the chicken issue), I actually asked whether I could stay longer.

Once the bullies were gone, and the chickens are now reasonably save, everything started to look brighter. I could finally truly enjoy what I was/am doing (which is everything that has to do with organic gardening on a medium-sized scale, from planting to weeding, picking and packing veggies). Of course, there are jobs I don’t like that much, but most of the time I am quite happy with what I have to do. I also learn a lot, and for that I am quite grateful.

I also finally got to work with some of the “native” workers, i.e. the native speakers, the people who actually live in Scotland and won’t just move away again in some weeks’ time. There are two people I truly like and would love to have as friends – however, I know that this will not happen, so I have to keep my feelings reasonably hidden. At least I can talk to them during work every now and then. One of them is only here every now and then and hardly ever works in a team with me, and the other is a bit intimidating. But when proper conversations happen, they are really good. Sometimes philosophical and meaningful, and at other times plain silly because we share some interests and can make fun of each other without insulting anyone. But unfortunately, these conversations don’t happen often.

Last weekend, I went on a longer walk to a place that supposedly had many seagulls (but they turned out to be a colony of Kittiwakes, a bird I’ve never seen before and now just love!). Another volunteer worker went with me, and I get along with her quite well. However, she’ll be going back into her own country after the main season is over – so there is no chance for a proper long term friendship, and I think we’re too different in some aspects anyway.

I think my main issue with things here is that everything feels temporary and that people often just see me as one more wwoofer. You can get the label “good wwoofer”, “bad wwoofer”, and maybe “average wwoofer”. But that’s about it. For most people here, I am just a temporary worker, someone they will soon forget. And of course someone like that would not be considered as a potential friend.

However, I really like this area. I can imagine actually living here. But so far I haven’t talked about this with anyone – because whom would I talk to about something like that? I guess that’s what this blog is good for.

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Back to pen and paper

Even though I have neglected this blog in the morning hours, I have been productive in the mornings. I took up writing in a proper journal with a proper fountain pen again. It saves me the hassle of having to start up my laptop and going online – it also feels more creative in a way. It is nice to see the pages filling up, and I have to admit that I also started feeling better after taking up that habit again.

Writing is indeed some sort of medicine for me. And it has the potential to turn every morning into a good one. Of course there will still be challenges and problems, difficult people and annoying people – but I feel that writing gives me the energy I need to deal with them.

Every now and then I might copy my morning pages onto this blog – but only when I think that a particular entry might be of interest to readers.

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