Hope vs doubt
Do you know the feeling when you turn on your computer every half hour just to check your emails to see whether a certain person finally sent you an email, just to see nothing new in your inbox (apart from the usual newsletters)? Do you know what it’s like to wait for a certain email for one and a half weeks and counting? Then you might know the mix of hope and disappointment that I’m currently going through. The hope whispers something along the lines: “A decision like that is not made in a short time, the email will come soon.” But the voice of doubt becomes louder after every passing day, it tells me: “If they can’t even find five minutes to send you a brief update, even just a short note they’d be in touch soon, then they will most likely not ever reply to you at all. You’re simply not worth their time. Hope is a traitor.”
Is hope a traitor?
Do you think that hope is a traitor? Is there a point in actually hoping, esp. after being disappointed many times? Is there a point in believing in ideals, and trying to live them?
Even though I wish I would soon receive the email that will solve my accommodation problem in August and for a big part of next year, my hope is slowly fading. The negative voice becomes stronger – and maybe it is the realistic voice. Asking why those people should choose me, saying that maybe they were quite happy that they got to see the last of me when I left there one and a half weeks ago. After all, none of the ones who said they’d keep in touch kept in touch. I was filled with so much hope, wanting to believe that I made some friends, even if it were only work friends, hoping that they could become proper friends if I was allowed to come back. But the hope is fading.
Good things come to those who wait?
This is probably one of the most annoying sayings I’ve had to listen to in the past – often coming from people who never had to wait for a real friend to turn up, people who can say they have a home, a family, a place they belong, and maybe even a saving account with a good sum of money on it. Often sayings like that come from people who don’t know what it is like to lose hope, to feel lonely, and to feel too free. They do not understand. When they are sad, they don’t have to go blogging. They can meet a friend, a partner, a family member. When they need a hug, they can get one.
What am I doing wrong? I always help people, I try to be the best person I can personally be – and yet, there is nobody there to talk to. And when hope appears, it soon becomes extinguished again. What’s the point in living if you don’t matter to anyone? If nobody would actually notice when you’re gone?