Don’t envy me

People often tell me that they wish they could live like I do. But fact is that they do not really know much about my life at all – otherwise they would not wish to be in my situation. Yes, I did have two good days in the last few weeks – I attended something many people would have loved to see (the red carpet event for the Hobbit world premiere – mind, just standing behind the barriers, it was a free event!), but this does not mean that I have a great life. It does not mean that I am richer than the people I talk to. If I was, I would not struggle so much. Yet, what people want to see and what the reality is are usually two different stories.

The people who say they “envy” me are actually the people who should be grateful for what they have: a home, a family, friends they can talk to, some security in life. All of this is basically missing from my life since I have been “kicked out” of New Zealand, the place that was my home for so many years.

I am writing these lines in a hostel, in a four bed dorm (for females only). I was lucky, and for the last three days I did not have to share the room – which is a plus. Yet, I was not even supposed to be here. I had booked a single room in a flat in a quiet part of London MONTHS in advance. But a few days ago, I stood in front of that place, at 8pm in the evening when I was supposed to check in – and nobody opened the door. One hour later, there still was nobody home, and I could not get in touch with the owner. So, in the dark, in London, I had to find an alternative. For one night, I could return to the place I stayed in before, another night I had to spend in an expensive hotel, and a few days ago I found a reasonably cheap hostel that only hosts up to 18 people (small for London). In a few days, I will have to move again – and do not yet know where to. It is not easy to find a single room for an affordable price with such short notice (and it’s not even my fault that I am in this situation – everything had been booked, planned, and paid for).

By the end of the month, I will have to be in Winchester where I will house- and cat-sit for six weeks. This will be a nice break from moving around – but I will also have to work hard on my freelance writing because the stress in London has cost me quite a bit of money, too.

So, do not envy me because of my “freedom”.

Another thing is that people should realise what a lonely life this is. When I feel like talking to someone, there is nobody to talk to. I can’t just call a friend and say “Hey, do you have some time for me?” Yes, I do meet people, but usually it is a matter of “out of their sight, out of their mind”. They see me as something temporary in their life, not really worth their time. It is not easy. I guess the fact that I have never been a popular person comes in handy now. I can deal with loneliness better than most people – but that does not mean that I often wish things would be different.

But when will it be different? I don’t know. I am not even sure yet what I will do after the house-sitting. I tried to find out whether I could go back to Scotland, but have not received a reply yet. So maybe I will stay in England. All I want is to find a place I could call home, even if it was just for a year, or even just half a year.

One thing people will never be able to understand is how heartbroken I am about not being “home” any more. I had to leave my beloved animals behind, and my dear rooster Frodo died while I was in Scotland. I should have been there for him – but I could not. My friend did all he could for him – but it should have been me, being there for him during the last days of his life. 

So, don’t envy me. You don’t want to live my life. And don’t be jealous about the one or the other good thing that happens to me, because the good things come with a high price.

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