I have not written anything on WordPress since January. While I was active on Blogger for a bit longer, I also stopped writing there in the last few months. From one week to the other, my motivation was simply gone – and I should have been concerned about this because I love writing so much, but I was not. I simply did not care. There was a slight sense of being disappointed and sad, however, strong emotions were not present in my life. The only times when I truly felt something was either when I was annoyed with other people, or when I was with the chickens (which made me reasonably happy).
I attributed my “I care about nothing” attitude towards the problems that I had to deal with. I thought that this attitude was a protection against all the pain that these problems should come with. I told myself that I had just become so used to all the pain that I cannot feel it any longer. I was just wondering why I also did not feel much else. Most of the time, I just wanted the day to be over, to go to bed, and sleep. Even in the middle of the day, I just wanted to sleep.
Today, I woke up with a headache, but also with the desire to start blogging again. I haven’t written much in general in the last few months. My idea of finishing my novel this year completely was put on hold – I basically did not have the will nor the energy to even think about the plot. I felt like an absolute failure – and my issues in life didn’t make me feel much better either.
So what happened that made me come back to writing? Nothing changed in my life. The problems are there. I still feel like a failure. But I also feel pain, I feel joy, I feel the sadness, but also the happiness. And for the first time in months, watching something on my computer actually made me feel things instead of just wasting away my time, and filling the void. A few months ago (about half a year I would guess), I started taking the contraceptive pill. Not because I was in a relationship, but because I hoped I would be soon, and because the pill often helps you with getting clearer skin. My skin became clearer, and my periods a lot lighter – but the same happened to my emotions. They became a lot lighter, almost to the point where they were almost not there. It was like my soul was constantly wrapped in some sort of cloud that did not allow anything to come through.
I did not connect my disconnection with the pills I was taking. A month ago, I stopped taking them because I was running out, and I did not want to spend the money on something that I did not need. Apparently, it took the ingredients of the drug a while to completely get out of my system, but week after week after I stopped taking the pills, I gradually felt my energy coming back. I was having thoughts about writing. I started remembering my dreams at night again, and started writing them down into my dream book, just like in the past. I am also more interested in my hobbies again. And when I want to sleep during the day, it’s not because I just don’t care and want the time to pass, but it’s because I need it.
And here I am, writing again. I also feel the sadness again, but also the happiness about my hobbies, about my dreams, and other things. It is quite scary to have made the experience that a drug can change your life so much. This makes all the novels about mind control through drugs so much more believable. We could indeed all turn into soulless, emotionless puppets.
Have you ever made negative experiences with drugs?