Category Archives: General

How medications can change your attitude towards life

I have not written anything on WordPress since January. While I was active on Blogger for a bit longer, I also stopped writing there in the last few months. From one week to the other, my motivation was simply gone – and I should have been concerned about this because I love writing so much, but I was not. I simply did not care. There was a slight sense of being disappointed and sad, however, strong emotions were not present in my life. The only times when I truly felt something was either when I was annoyed with other people, or when I was with the chickens (which made me reasonably happy).

I attributed my “I care about nothing” attitude towards the problems that I had to deal with. I thought that this attitude was a protection against all the pain that these problems should come with. I told myself that I had just become so used to all the pain that I cannot feel it any longer. I was just wondering why I also did not feel much else. Most of the time, I just wanted the day to be over, to go to bed, and sleep. Even in the middle of the day, I just wanted to sleep.

Today, I woke up with a headache, but also with the desire to start blogging again. I haven’t written much in general in the last few months. My idea of finishing my novel this year completely was put on hold – I basically did not have the will nor the energy to even think about the plot. I felt like an absolute failure – and my issues in life didn’t make me feel much better either.

So what happened that made me come back to writing? Nothing changed in my life. The problems are there. I still feel like a failure. But I also feel pain, I feel joy, I feel the sadness, but also the happiness. And for the first time in months, watching something on my computer actually made me feel things instead of just wasting away my time, and filling the void. A few months ago (about half a year I would guess), I started taking the contraceptive pill. Not because I was in a relationship, but because I hoped I would be soon, and because the pill often helps you with getting clearer skin. My skin became clearer, and my periods a lot lighter – but the same happened to my emotions. They became a lot lighter, almost to the point where they were almost not there. It was like my soul was constantly wrapped in some sort of cloud that did not allow anything to come through.

I did not connect my disconnection with the pills I was taking. A month ago, I stopped taking them because I was running out, and I did not want to spend the money on something that I did not need. Apparently, it took the ingredients of the drug a while to completely get out of my system, but week after week after I stopped taking the pills, I gradually felt my energy coming back. I was having thoughts about writing. I started remembering my dreams at night again, and started writing them down into my dream book, just like in the past. I am also more interested in my hobbies again. And when I want to sleep during the day, it’s not because I just don’t care and want the time to pass, but it’s because I need it.

And here I am, writing again. I also feel the sadness again, but also the happiness about my hobbies, about my dreams, and other things. It is quite scary to have made the experience that a drug can change your life so much. This makes all the novels about mind control through drugs so much more believable. We could indeed all turn into soulless, emotionless puppets.

Have you ever made negative experiences with drugs?

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Respecting yourself – don’t betray your own ideals for others

Respect is one of the very important ingredients you need to create the “cake” called happiness. However,do not make the mistake to think that it is other people who need to add THEIR respect to YOUR cake. You are the baker, you are responsible for what that cake looks like.

When I was younger (as in a kid and teenager) I often just adjusted my own needs to what other people wanted. I thought this way I would become more popular, more loved, more respected, and that people then would want to spend more time with me. I only achieved that I was “tolerated” (I now also know I was looking for the attention of the wrong people, but that is a story for another time, maybe). I also achieved that I was very unhappy with myself because I often put my own well-being, my own needs, my own values into a cupboard. I hid my passions, my true opinions, and in return did not really get along with myself very well. I was disrespecting myself – just because I wanted other people to like me. It took me a while to learn that this is not how it works.

How can you expect other people to respect you if you don’t respect yourself first?

I learned that you need to respect yourself first. After all, if other people feel that you don’t have any respect for yourself, why should they respect you in return? If you feel unhappy in your skin, if you don’t get along with yourself, if you don’t like yourself – why should others? What reason would they have to like the true you if you are hiding your true self behind high, solid fortress walls?

Don’t get me wrong: There will always be people who won’t like you. There will always be people who in general do not show much respect towards anybody. There will always be people with whom you won’t get along. But those are the people you should not waste your energy on. Don’t try to people please them by bending backwards and forwards to make them believe you agree with them. Don’t pretend you like something that you truly couldn’t care about less, or even have a real aversion against it.

Never betray your own ideals to make someone like you

I admit, in the past I was guilty of this. I thought something along the lines of “If I said something really witty, that person will surely like me.” or “If I tell them that I agree with that, then I will avoid an argument and they’ll accept me as part of their group.” I also spent more time in situations that I would simply walk away from these days. I would play down my own beliefs if my words caused some negativity in others. I would try to justify my ideas b playing them down. This was disrespectful towards myself, towards the things I like, and towards the people I loved (even though those people were “only” writers, actors or singers). Don’t do that. If people cannot accept what you believe and love, then they are not suitable for your life. You need to have enough respect for yourself to walk away from situations and people that make you feel uncomfortable and under pressure to turn into an actor or actress. In the long run, those people will only make you feel used and unloved. Having to hide behind a mask is never a good thing for your long-term happiness. And while people might not know that you are not being yourself, they will subconsciously feel that there is something not quite right – which will be a reason for them to respect you even less than they might already do.

Integrity and honesty are very important when you want to find the right kind of friends for yourself.

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WordPress ineffective?

I was just comparing the stats for my blog here on WordPress, and my other blog on blogger. The other one I have not updated in ages, yet I still get a regular stream of visitors – usually around 200 a week. Here on WordPress my blog received 240 visitors in a whole year even though I do share my posts on Facebook and Twitter (as if my friends would read this – but hey, you can always try). My main source of the few visits I get seems to be the WordPress site itself by people who use tags to search for blogs. And sometimes some of the people who “follow” my blog might read my posts – often this is not the case though. Sometimes I think people just randomly follow others with a click to encourage them to have a look at their blog in return. I don’t know.

As I am thinking about becoming more active with blogging once more, I am wondering about whether there is a point in keeping this blog. I also tried to copy exact phrases from my posts into Google to see whether my blog turns up. But no, not even with exact phrases! And I know that my settings are on “allow robots” – so I do not know why my blog does not show up on Google at all.

If I returned to blogger though, I would have to re-do my other blog because I don’t like the current look of it. Yet it would make sense: there is more traffic, and more potential readers. And the more people come and visit you, the more likely it is that you will receive some feedback. And feedback is something I would love in 2015 – I know that for many topics I will not be able to ask anyone I know, they simply do not care, so it would be nice to be able to find some readers with shared interests.

What is your experience? Do you get many visitors on WordPress, or have you made a similar experience when you compared two different blogs of yours on two different providers?


Filed under About writing, General

Looking back and looking ahead – 2014 and 2015

Looking back

2014 was a very turbulent year in my life. It was in parts very stressful and very sad. I had to leave my beloved animals behind in New Zealand (you all should know the story about me having to leave NZ by now), my dearest rooster Frodo died and I was not able to be there for him. I had to move around within the UK a lot because I financially was not able to settle down somewhere (having to leave NZ was not something I had prepared for and my savings had been close to nothing. I even had to sell my wonderful camera to be able to leave and not be completely broke). But in this post, I would like to focus on the positive things that happened this year. I don’t want to look back at the year with regrets, and also have to learn to stop beating myself up for things that have happened – after all, much was basically out of my own control. So, here are the highlights of 2014.

2014 – Before leaving New Zealand

I was in New Zealand until March 2014. The highlights during that time were – as usual – the lovely chickens, new chicks hatching, the interaction with the chickens, seeing them grow up, seeing them be happy chickens. And of course also the pigeons, mainly seeing Lucy still being healthy, and how her babies turned into beautiful adult pigeons.

2014 – After leaving New Zealand


I made many different experiences during my time in the UK – most of the time I spent in Scotland. My highlights in Scotland were:

  • Learning many things about organic gardening during my time at Phantassie in East Linton, and hanging out with the chickens there, many of whom are dead now because of a fox (R.I.P. my dear hens)
  • Working in Attadale Gardens and explore some of the fantastic scenery in the Scottish Highlands
  • Working for MacKenzie’s B&B in Plockton and going on an evening cruise with them
  • Working for Oxenfoord Organics, playing with their goats and watching their lovely chickens
  • Being in Scotland and not having any issues with actually understanding people


My first arrival in England had not gone very well (apart from the ten days of house-sitting I did three days after my arrival), but my second time in England made up for it.

  • I saw Ian McKellen in person. Twice. And I managed to get my letter to him even though I will never know whether he actually read it.
  • I was able to attend the ToRn pub moot and the “red” carpet Hobbit World Premiere in London.
  • I got to watch the midnight screening of the third Hobbit sitting next to Thranduil and with Thorin and Sauron in the row in front of me.
  • Then I saw the movie again – this time with Thorin right next to me.
  • I was lucky enough to meet some of the people from the pub moot / premiere days again.
  • I met some really special people (at least they are in my eyes), and do hope that they will still be part of my life in 2015.
  • One of the just mentioned people showed Richmond Park to me. We saw plenty of birds and some impressive deer!
  • Another of those people made me flirt with a female dwarf (that only happened online in the game Lord of the Rings online though). But wait! Should I really call this a highlight? It was only a result of my poor online character drinking too much and clicking on the wrong character because her vision was a bit foggy. It was immense fun though! In general, playing online with people I actually know is a lot of fun, and makes it possible to “meet” people who are not living close to you.
  • I finally was able to be part of a cosplay meeting.
  • I went sight-seeing in London with an elf.

Looking ahead – What I would like to happen in 2015

I am not someone who makes New Year’s resolutions. When I know something needs to be changed, I try to do it as soon as possible. There’s no need to wait for a special date. After all, if you really have your heart in something, you shouldn’t have to wait. Many New Year’s resolutions fail because people only make them because it’s “what everybody does”. There often is no real conviction behind them.  But now that one year is gone, I know that there are some things I would like to see happening in 2015. I will do my part to work towards the things that are within my power, and hope for the best when it comes to other issues. Some of my dreams, goals, and wishes for 2015:

  • finish my novel and work towards getting it published as a proper printed book
  • settle down somewhere for a while, preferably around London or Oxford
  • find one truly loyal friend and some normal friends
  • cosplay Bard the Bowman AND be worthy of cosplaying him
  • continue to be an advocate for animal rights and do my best to educate people about animals
  • meet Ian McKellen
  • see Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart on stage together
  • go for a multi-day hike somewhere, or do a multi-day canoeing trip

These are just a few – others will remain private as they are personal and others might not be understood by most readers. What are your hopes for 2015?

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